On the sidelines

I’m not very good with May’s, the month and the word, maybe’s, perhaps’. I’m not very good with waiting on the sidelines. I fret too much, sleep too little,  read almost never, and worry everyone else around me. Last week, curled up at the end of yet another May, and perhaps my biggest maybe yet, I wondered if I could finally learn to do this better…If I could finally learn to wait on love, and wait on rain, and wait on my dreams without crumbling into fear, and fatigue, and failure.

For years now, from fretting over college applications and first-loves, to newer career prospects and waiting on love, I have struggled with contemplation. In the face of all the No’s, and Maybe’s, I am a slobbering mess, a lonely alone. It’s almost as if, despite singing along, that Eagles song never really grew on me, I never really learned to be still. And, it’s almost as if, despite all the lessons, I never really learned to hold on lightly. In that quiet and stealthy manner of the wise, I was now even more a stranger.

Where is love? Where is that dream I have been staring at for so long now? And, where is that warm and comforting solace that I seek? Amidst it all, the cars, and the pay checks, and the friends I have, I still yearn for it all. The laments grow louder, the sidelines are empty still.

There are so many contradictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?

Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breaking
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will
Learn to be still, learn to be still

 

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