Yesterday, for perhaps the first time in my adult life, I had a hurt a cigarette couldn’t balm. I went up to the sea front, lit a cigarette and tried in vain to feel what once was calm. Instead I was left with bitter taste, apathy and a cigarette burning in my hand with hardly a moment between the lips. This was as happy a revelation as it was startling, but I was also a bit sad: I now had to face what was thrown at me head on, without a crutch, without escaping into balconies filled with smoke.
Life, and relationships are not easy. There is no rule book, there are no numbers: how many chances to give, how many times to forgive, how many times to allow yourself to keep going back. There is no red signal, and worst of all there is no green signal either. It’s not like life wakes you up one morning in front of the perfect opportunity and a sign that says: this is it. It’s not like life tells you when to stop, when to give up, and when to go. Maybe sometimes it does, and maybe sometimes you don’t want to hear, and maybe sometimes you walk away…and then life sucks you back in. Hardly easy.
I always laugh a little at people who say, I would never do ‘this’. This being allowing yourself to be walked over, cheating, being cheated on and forgiving, running away, hurting, giving in ‘one last time,’ deceiving, lying. Never say never, and most of all you never really know:
There is no way to know. You can never be certain how it will be, and how much you will give: but you can be certain you will have to give, and yield, and compromise, and hurt and change your picture of perfect: because life won’t hand you what you deserve just because you showed up.
Life will grow you, and test your patience, and let you fall a hundred times over…but you will have to pick yourself up. There’s no number to how many times you can allow yourself to fall either…
But every now and then you might want to pick yourself up, and march forward.
There maybe bricks and bats, sticks and stones along the way: but there maybe some happiness too.
Meredith Grey – ‘Perfect Storm’
(Season 9, Episode 24)